FIRST THINGS FIRST!
If you’ve made a conscious decision to purchase a pair of K Swiss in 2017, I need you to open up a new tab on your internet browser, and Google your nearest psychiatric facility. Your brain is not healthy enough for my blogs. You’re a threat to yourself and society.
Okay, now…let’s begin…
HOLD UP…WAIT WAIT…DOG…LET’S START OVER…
So, one day i’m sitting in Twitch traffic inside my DDoS proof vehicle. I look up, and see this…
Before I dive head first into the sequence of spine tingling events that took place in CaldyVille let’s peep the statistics…y’all know the drill
- Twitter 11K+ Followers
- Twitch Followers 22K+ Followers
- YouTube Subscribers 22K+
THOSE NUMBERS ARE PRETTY FUCKING RAD DUDE!!! NOW LET’S MOVE ALONG…
CALDY…IS THAT YOU? ……dog, this can’t POSSIBLY be you, looking like you’re taking a break from boiling pots full of human shinbones in your basement. I refuse to believe this man, grimacing, in the blistering cold, rockin a pair of Crash Bandicoot jeans has a sub button, b. No person that has accumulated over 22K Twitch followers would happily step out into the public eye looking like a pinata of struggle. So, i’m just going to assume this isn’t you, fam. Because the individual here could lie down in that snow, try to make a snow angel, and it will always leave an imprint in the shape of an L. No matter how many attempts he does.
THIS. IS. NOT. CALDY. GAMING.
THIS. IS NOT. CALDY. GAMING
Dog, out of respect for Caldy & the innocent viewers that are reading this, I will not proceed to post these bone chillin’ pics of strugglo-graphy. This shit might cause a massive increase of Lasik eye surgeries across the nation.
So, here’s 3 options
- Option A: You can believe those unconfirmed photos above are Caldy.
- Option B: Like most people, you can view Caldy as a mysterious figure in the Gaming community. (highly recommended)
- Option C: You can choose any male of your choice on the caucasian character select screen above and just envision them as Caldy.
Let’s all do the electric slide over to something else perplexing about the homie Caldy…
Apparently being bald is the number one trending topic in his internet life, b. Do i really need to elaborate? Just look at all that soul crushin’ slander above. In Caldy’s defense, I haven’t seen ANY legit evidence of his hair follicles struggling to reach the outer surface of his scalp. So, for now, in the Twitch supreme court, I find the defendant NOT GUILTY on his charges of these bald crimes. If any proof comes to the light, feel free to inform me & we can re open this case. But for, now case closed.
Nah, wait…no webcam? Like in 2017, WHAT? My first initial thought was he could possibly be laying on his tummy butt ass naked on satin pillows, streaming…every night…and mothafuckas don’t even know it.
Before I even got my other timberland boot into the Caldy Club I was immediately greeted by his shiesty car salesman voice, dude. He sounds like he dresses dogs like Abraham Lincoln with top hats and jackets for pet fashion shows, dude. Straight up, dude. It’s almost like God gave homie the leftover vocal cords he didn’t use for Justin Bieber, dude. I was still able to tolerate dude…but dude…there was something…
Very very disturbing I witnessed, dude…
Reading this niggas’ chat room is equivalent to looking at Magic Johnson’s blood cells under a microscope. HIV in grammar form yo. All of the words were like watching HIV membranes swim thru a damaged immune system, b. Matter of fact, he needs to make the AIDS Awareness Red Ribbon as an emote. I could feel my white blood cell count slowly dropping as I sat in his STD infested stream. You gotta inject vaccines into the USB port of your computer after chillin’ inside the Caldy Chlamydia Club. This shit is Gaming Gonorrhea, dog. Twitcherpes. I highly suggest you throw a biomask over the face of your Twitch account & stroll into the Carbon Caldy Monoxide Show. Watch as some of the virally infected viewers try to bait him into saying something racist every 20 secs. Then watch him clap back with pure uncut wittiness. Just make sure your flu shots are up to date before you step in. ENTERTAINMENT!
Ayo, speaking of viewers, you’ll never come across a more disorderly group of internet soldiers like the Caldy Cub Scouts, b. Most of the time, these niggas be marching on the gaming battlefields not following any of the drill commands being ordered and shouted by Sergeant Caldy. On occasion, his own troops will commit Twitch Treason. These niggas will hop in the tank & rotate the slander cannon towards the building Colonel Caldy is in. Firing off rounds with “Baldy”, “Virgin” & “Racist” written on the bullets. I’ve seen Commander Caldy discharge mods from his army over this, then put them thru some humiliating combat training like “freestyle rappin” just to earn their militant sword back. Sometimes, these niggas be raiding streamers terrains without their Captain’s consent. These niggas be trying to raise the Calderon flag on areas of the Twitch landscape that Caldy hasn’t marked on the map. So, beware gaming world, be very fuckin’ aware.
Despite everything I just said, Caldy’s streams are without a doubt, dope. You just have to speak fluent sarcasm to understand his approach yo. Oh and congratulations on paying off all your college debts, James. Most people usually die in debt. It’s kinda like when Dale Earnhardt was driv…you know what never mind…
Alright, well I’m outta here…my Chicago Bulls are on the verge of becoming the worst team in the NBA so I gotta go make funeral arrangements for my hairline…much love y’all
Price……..Ahhhhhhhhhh Nobody Car…….WAIT A SECOND…ONE LAST THING
PLEASE HELP @LilyStellaRosa
Hi Lily, I don’t know you & you don’t know me, b. But I do know you stream & you wouldn’t mind giving an ass some grocery treatment. I also can tell by the way you’ve delicately made your bed, army style, that James could use your household maintenance. I’ve seen your tender face being targeted in the Caldy crosshairs. Homie is dressing like the niggas who work the ferris wheel at Six Flags. You know why? Because he don’t got a nice set of yams strutting around his crib. Play wifey to him for a week. Nah, I’m deadass. Go to Minnesota. Cook, clean, massage his lonely limbs. Help clear out the human remains in his basement. His swag will rapidly jump from -5 to 100. You can be a life changer. By the way, you & your girls look like your phones have a combined 27,000 unread texts.