BEFORE we hand out the Twitch 2016 Rookie Of The Year Award…Let’s give some background info…
Kiana Lynn Torres was born on July 30, 1995. She was raised in a small town in Rhode Island and…HEY…you…yeah NIGGA, YOU… I see you about to doze off, b. Let’s skip all the generic Wikipedia shit then…
LETS GET ITTTTTTTTTTT
- Twitter 7K+ Followers
- Twitch 40K+ Followers
- 118K+ Youtube Subscribers
HOLY SMOKES!! 118K+ YouTube subs ? Son, I remember when her video quality looked as crusty as the robberies on liquor store surveillance cameras. Now, her footage is glistening like fresh cut wet grass with the morning dew yo. When you gain 40K+ Twitch followers as a woman without ever showing a piece of them Portuguese Yam Hocks, that’s something special.
Now, while you’re impatiently waiting for her to reply to that DM you sent 17 business days ago, there’s more real shit to be discussed…
If you pay close attention, you’ll realize there’s various characters inside her 5’2″ bite sized frame. All of these personas come together like the pieces in Power Rangers to form the almighty…Megazord….I mean…Minizord… KIANA TORRES.
SGK7Gaming/SheGotKicksVii is perhaps the most harmless sides of Kiana, b. A two headed ANGEL. SGK7Gaming/SheGotKicksVii voice is so gentle she could tenderize a steak if you let her speak in front of it. SGK7Gaming is very supportive. If a penguin waddled into her stream & asked for assistance, she’d help guide his little flippers to the Twitch promised land.
SheGotKicksVii flies through the internet skies & drops a big package of fashion & shoes right on your digital doorsteps, daily. Don’t believe me? Go to Youtube.com/SHEGOTK ….wait…NO PROMO
When you look like Kiki every corner you turn on these unforgivable dot com roads is a nigga trying to eat a spoonful of your Yamburger helper. When you’re the #1 female target in the Twitch/YouTube community in 2016, that 1,000s of men wanna give your rump, grocery treatment too, you have no choice but to cast a unbreakable force field around yourself on some Fantastic Four Invisible woman shit, b.
Which leads me to a persona that should’ve been covered 14 Derrick Rose injuries ago…
I’ll try my best to break this down so bare with me, people…
Kiana doesn’t “NORMALLY” curve anymore, b. Shes already mastered curving & has moved on to a next generation level of curving that nobody can find the words to explain. Shes evolved past the regular stages of curving & has developed her own science of that shit. It’s some type of… “Extra Terrestrial curve“. Kiki is using curving techniques from a whole different galaxy. Kiki is using methods of curving that are way beyond scientific understanding yo. There’s not a Albert Einstein theory that can solve her curving code. Think I’m joking? You trying to bag her, right now? You’ve already been curved, b. Matter of fact, she curved you 18 years ago before you even knew she existed. Baby girl can time travel curve. When you’re done reading this post she will have curved about 372 niggas. Kiki is in some way shape or form connected to any curving that takes place in the universe. Any texts that goes unanswered, phone calls that get ignored, dates that gets stood up, she was INVOLVED. If not physically…spiritually.
Now let’s move along to a very very intriguing side of Kiana…
Son, Look at this photo below for 10 secs & see if you can spot the thirst trap…
NAH? NO TRAP? NOTHING?? Okay, Look deeper into the photo, watch your step as well…
Do you see it now?? The thirst trap is covered in layers of dollar bills b…move cautiously
THIRST TRAP TORRES
This is, without a doubt, the most hazardous side of Kiana, b. If you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself dropping 200 bars of thirst in her IG comments. Thirst Trap Torres has this special gift, where she can make tumbleweeds roll around in that area of your brain where “self respect” is suppose to exist. Thirst Trap Torres images are like the webs in Spider Man’s wrists. When Thirst Trap Torres posts a pic, she’s basically shooting her SGK7 web strings at you. Webbing your body. Webbing your dignity. Webbing your soul. Leaving you to suffer from dehydration in the inescapable SGK7 spider web.
Terrorist Torres is basically Kiana if she was a member of Bobby Shmurda’s GS9 crew, b. When Terrorist Torres‘ is triggered the marvelous messy bun slowly unwraps by itself & the hair stands provokingly tall on some Goku Super Saiyan shit. Utter the wrong words & Terrorist Torres will ban your entire cable company provider from accessing her stream. Terrorist Torres will get you 5000% the fuck outta here. Terrorist Torres’ slander will send ice cold chills down your spine. Think it’s a game? Go to her stream & say she’s trash at 2K. DO IT! Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
“You sit on your ass and take these video games serious, I get paid to lose”
YES, niggas. These are the harsh, but truthful words that slipped off Hollywood Torres’ tongue. Hollywood Torres is not to be confused with Terrorist Torres. Hollywood Torres is the holographic Pokemon card version of Kiana. What a father of 5 kids, spends to support his fam, Hollywood Torres‘ splurges on…NBA 2K virtual currency! Hollywood Torres bunny hopped right over your “How you doin?” @ replie on Twitter. Challenge Hollywood Torres’ pockets & she’ll calmly reach for her chapstick & flex her chiseled out bank account. Hollywood Torres was cut from prestigious Portuguese fabrics. When Hollywood Torres goes on a power trip, you might as well close a casket on your self esteem, b…or she will do it for you.
Aight…I’m tired of typing & I know y’all tired of reading. At this point, I usually tell y’all how much of a dope person she is. Honestly, if I did, y’all niggas would be reading a fucking bible, b. I’m also kinda drunk so I might say something that will be held against me in the court of thirst. So, which side of Kiana have you experienced? Let me know!
Pric…..AHHHHHHH NOBODY CAR…..HOLD UP ONE LAST THING!
I want to send a heartfelt apology to the Turtleneck Tender, Mariah Bechaz. You were comfortably living in the social media underworld, undiscovered & I came down there with a flashlight & my timbs left footprints behind. Now, the wolves have picked up my traces. All the thirst bullets that Kiana has blocked with her SGK7 shield has ricochet & spiraled in your direction, b. Landing in your dm’s, Landing in your snaps, Landing in your IG msgs. Gallons of thirst is being poured down your high, close fitting, neck collar at record breaking speeds & I pray you don’t end up being a victim on thirst 48.
I. Am. Sorry.